I have had two days walking since my last post. Today I thought that sometimes I wish my body were a machine that took in internal or external criticism and put it through a series of filters and determined what, if any, adjustments needed to be made (if the information provided allowed for improvements) and then of course it would discard any waste. There I would be, possibly improved, having had no emotional reaction to the information. Instead I am often in my head providing frequent analysis of my behavior/thoughts which often results in low self-esteem, second-guessing myself and of course the fun of being able to beat myself up because of something as trivial as not opening the door for someone or feeling fat (ie.. attaching judgment such as I am lazy or gluttonous). Yesterday I started off the day in a low mood – being self-critical (we don´t need to go into about what) – and all it took was walking into a cafe and seeing smiling pilgrims call out my name and wave for me to come and sit with them. I ended the day on a high celebrating another pilgrims birthday and just generally feeling accepted, connected and present. Today I started out on a high as well. I woke up without being sore (yay!) and although I was walking alone in the pouring rain with the cold wind, I was thinking of so many back home that helped me prepare for this. I was smiling. I wasn´t singing but I was very much enjoying the music playing on my borrowed ipod (thanks Katy) – and if Tony is reading this, I have been listening a lot to ´Here We Go´which is perfect for the trail and I love hearing his and Darrin´s gorgeous voices. Okay back to the story – I then went into a cafe, saw some friends and had an odd conversation with a fellow pilgrim about American stereotypes in which I became quite defensive and left feeling very low. I tried to reason with myself about it…. thinking maybe I started it, as you can see from previous posts, I have an odd love-hate relationship with being from America or perhaps my defensiveness showed that he touched on something that resonates with me personally as true – mainly I was just thinking ´what was that about truly?´and ´what can I learn about myself from that?´ but instead of learning something and making it a positive experience, I just felt generally crappy and disappointed but unsure exactly why. When I get like that, it turns into a series of self-depricating thoughts on a whole series of topics. Luckily for me, I ran into Marin – a wonderful German woman with a big smile and light, easy-going spirit. We walked the rest of the way together and she left me in Palas de Rei and went on to the next town. Today was a 16 mile day and with the cold rain and the wind, I was done. I have a huge blister, heavy stiff boots and a limp which can get me pretty far but I know my limit.
I had planned to splurge and stay in a hotel tonight but it is closed. I went to a pension but I felt like I wasn´t very welcome and so I ended up at the albergue which is actually quite nice and I am in a small room of only six beds. I am rooming with some rather loud Americans that seem to fit the stereotype my fellow pilgrim referred to this morning but I am sure there is much more to them than these judgments and perhaps they have been put in my path for a reason and so I will practice grace and openness tonight. Again the Camino is providing what I need and not necessarily what I want but overall I know I am better off for it. I was invited to dinner tonight with a nice group of pilgrims and I am sure it won´t take long for me to continue to turn things around. Mainly I brought this all up just to say how I have noticed how easy it is for something ¨good¨or something ¨bad¨ to affect my mood around and so I will focus on being more centered/grounded.
I have enjoyed these much longer walks in that they provide a lot of reflective time. Although my feet are not very happy my body is feeling stronger again and I look forward to gaining strength as the walk progresses. My mom wrote on my blog and this seriously made my day. I sat in a wonderful little cafe with a fireplace and ate lentil soup with Marin – we were the only pilgrims there which was odd (and welcomed!) because it has gotten very crowded as new pilgrims join to finish the last 100 kilometers. I had many dogs say hello to me today. Ultreia!
thepaigeperspective 
Paige,
Not sure you will get this message but I have been following your link for sometime now want to throw something out there. I believe after reading the first paragraph on this last post, I may be a male version of you. The one main difference is I have a tremendous amount of self esteem and still suffer from the same problems described in your first paragraph. I am cutely aware of the internal “boo” that lives inside all of us and can just make our day miserable. Knowing that and the coping mechanism helps me when I experience one of those days or moments.
Please hang in there and know you are not alone. Oh and I just finished my Camino Francis 9 days ago from St Jean Pied du Port to Finisterre. I ache for you……
Wayne
Dear Paige,
After asking some of my Camino friends about you I am thrilled to have reconnected with you via a mutual facebook friend! After experiencing some of the shifts in pace that inevitably happen among pilgrims and thinking that some folks might be lost to me forever, I have come to realize that in life (and on the Camino!) there are some people with whom one should share contact information sooner rather than later. In a few cases (and to my great joy) the missing people surfaced in Santiago; however, the morning of Oct 1st when I stepped out of my albergue in Sarria I had a most welcome chance encounter with John, the priest from West London, and he informed me about your injury. I hadn’t seen him since Castrojeriz when he’d been sidelined with his own inability to walk that turned out to be temporary after 4 days rest but required certain alterations in his style and ambition on the Camino. I too had been plagued with physical limitations and discomfort, so I’d had to find my own Camino in a way that suited my needs, and that my initial optimism that I’d accomplish each of Brierley’s stages in one day had failed to consider. Earlier in the journey I’d had to push ahead by bus, and later I took the train from Ponferrada to Sarria so I’d have time to complete the compulsory portion of the pilgrimage in order to earn the Compostela with a couple of days left to enjoy Santiago before the night train to Madrid and my flight back to Canada on Oct 10. Early on I had learned that my do-able daily distance was ideally 14-15 kilometers because of my short legs and short stride plus some knee issues that all affected my stamina. My Nordic walking sticks that I used from Day 1 helped enormously. I divided up the segment from Sarria into 7 portions instead of the 5 that Brierley’s book gives. Some days I had to walk 18 km because of the intervals between albergues, but a couple of times I got by with shorter distances. I reserved a bed in a private albergue every day and I sent my bag ahead with Xaco-Trans, and only carried a day pack, which eased the load on my body. When I had the hospitalero call ahead for me I told them to inform the albergue that I was a slow walker and might not arrive till late afternoon, but since they knew my bag would be coming they said it was fine as they knew I’d eventually show up! (Earlier on I’d found that some albergues had a policy that you had to phone them if you weren’t going to arrive by 2 or 3 pm if you indeed planned to arrive there.) Now that it’s later in the season with less albergues open for business you might need to do it differently, but I thought I’d share all these finer points that I found so helpful, for the sake of your foot, especially the parts about the sticks, shorter daily distances and not carrying the stuff with you that you’ll only need at the albergue. It is on my mind to return to Spain in the future (next year?) for the purpose of walking certain chunks of the Camino that I missed out on in Sept-Oct. How lucky for you that everything fell into place for you to go back to Spain this fall! I look forward to continuing to follow your Camino blog over the next several days, and I wish you a Buen Camino!
so glad to hear from you, little doll. You are amazing. Keep going, learn much and give to others. You are my special angel.
Hmm.. “many dogs say hello to me today.” Here is my theory. They are actually saying hello to you because they can smell Wally’s scent, so you have dear Wally to thank for their friendliness.
🙂
BTW Ramona made it up Kilimanjaro. This is what the guides kept telling them in Swahili “Pole,pole, ndio mwendo”. Slowly, slowly is the way to go.
Happy for you Paige that you are back on track.
Happy trails!